If you want to help couples learn to help themselves by coaching their own marriage relationship it is essential that they learn to do two things well: 1. To participate in conversations with heart and skill. 2. To observe and adjust their own communication process.
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Marriage Coaching CAN help a couple in crisis IF they are motivated to learn skills to communicate and resolve conflict, and IF they will humble themselves to receive a miracle from God for their marriage.
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“On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold and of incense and myrrh.”
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It’s the moment of truth that makes every married couple quiver. It happens when they’re asked the question that reveals what they really think, how they really feel, and why they’ve asked you to coach them, “How would you rate your marriage on a scale of 1-10?”
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Many couples have asked in jest if we could live with them. Why? They experience effective communication, problem-solving and goal-setting in sessions that we facilitate, and they aren’t confident that they can continue such high quality conversations without facilitators to guide and police the process. However, with enough practice and good-will, couples CAN learn to do this for themselves.
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“I want to take more walks with you, Jeff” Jill said as part of a demo during one of our Marriage Coach training classes. “I’m curious about you wanting to take more walks” I asked. She was happy to share. “It seems that when we walk we have some of our best talks. There are fewer possibilities of interruption, and it’s when I get your most focused attention. It helps me feel closer to you”, she said. Walking and talking to get closer? Cool. We just improved our marriage.
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Forgiveness is a choice, not an emotion. The desire leads to decision, which is where it happens. They still may not feel like forgiving, but they chose to forgive anyway. The feelings will catch up later.
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Whether you’ve been disconnected in your marriage for a few days or a few months, the beginning of a solution is the same; communication. And coaching skills provide the tools you need to do the job of building pleasure back into your relationship.
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Most of us do want to be happy. The problem is that we are often waiting for someone or some event to happen to make us feel better. Any way you look at the matter, our lack of happiness is not someone else’s fault! It is a decision that we make every day. Life is always about choices.
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Married couples are surprised, relieved and inspired when we tell them that their marriage is our client in the Marriage Coaching process. They are surprised because they come expecting a narrow focus on them as individuals. Instead, we elevate the discussion to the level of partnership and team which they find easier and less threatening to talk about.
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Most coaching books talk about the importance to coach from the heart, and I love the way Tony Stoltzfus defines the heart of a coach in his book, Leadership Coaching “the bedrock of great coaching is what’s in your heart for the person you are coaching….powerful coaching comes from studying, internalizing, and imitating the Father’s heart toward us.” Isn’t that a beautiful way to think of how to coach from our heart to our clients? We have Jesus as a role model!
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What if you were told that you had three months to live unless you received highly effective treatment that could cure you? Would you make time to be cured? Of course! This analogy fits marriage. Many couples are living a recipe for disaster. They don’t create schedules to invest in their marriage. Instead, many other people and activities get their best, and they give leftovers to each other if they give at all.
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The woman who calls you is angry. Her husband left her, and she doesn’t know what she’s going to do. It’s not the divorce that’s making her mad, she insists. That was a relief. Her life will be better, she explains, because he had been distant/unsupportive/abusive for the last few years anyway. She’s just upset because of how he did it, or when he did it, or why. She just wants to put it behind her.
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Jill and I vividly remember the night at the dinner table that we both made a concerted effort to listen, reflect and ask open questions to our youngest. Laura Beth was eleven at the time, and was experiencing some tumult with a friend. “I don’t know what to do about Nikki”, she said.
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Christian Marriage Coaching is the application of Christian Coaching concepts and skills to facilitate growth, healing and change for couples.
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