Would it help to pray about that before making a decision?  At first glance this may sound like a great question, but, is it?  As parent coaches we understand the power of asking instead of telling.  Asking questions is essential to parent coaching our children, it keeps responsibility with them, engages their thought and decision making processes and encourages their growth in maturity.

In our eagerness to ask questions, we may inadvertently fall prey to a common misconception.  “If I tag a “?” mark at the end of the sentence, that makes it a question, right?”  As a result we begin tagging a “?” mark at the end of a statement, believing we have successfully transitioned from telling our children what to do, to coaching by asking effective questions.  When our children do not respond as we anticipate they should, we may interpret this as “Coaching isn’t all it is cracked up to be!”  But, before we write off the coaching approach, could I invite you to reconsider the questions we have asked and see whether or not they are truly questions.

Let me illustrate for you.  I will present five questions parents have ‘asked’ their children, take a look at them and consider:

How am I asking this?
What am I really saying with this question?
Is this truly a question or simply a statement of opinion disguised by a “?” mark tagged on the end?

5 Questions:
a.  Should you do the dishes before going outside to play?
b.  Don’t you think you’re a bit too young for that?
c.  Could you do your homework first and then spend some time with your friends?
d.  You don’t want to do that, do you?
e.  Would it help to pray about that before you make a decision?

What did you observe in the questions above?  What attitude is conveyed?  How effective would these questions be in encouraging our children to think through and process their decisions?  Were these really questions or statements telling our children what to do?

Asking in this way will not be effective simply because these are not really questions at all.   Take a closer look.  These are simply statements telling our children what to do with a “?” tagged on the end, in effect, we’re not asking at all, we’re still telling.  Observe the same “questions” with the first couple of words struck out.

Should you do the dishes before going outside to play?

Don’t you think you’re a bit too young for that?

Could you do your homework first and then spend some time with your friends?

You don’t want to do that, do you?

Would it help to pray about that before you make a decision?

Telling in this way subtly communicates to our children that we believe,

a.  They are not capable of making decisions on their own.
b.  Their opinion doesn’t matter.
c.  They still need to be told what to do.
d.  Coaching really doesn’t work.

As a primer, take a few moments and work through the following exercise.  Practice converting statements into effective open questions, in this way you will be better prepared to ask instead of tell when the next opportunity presents itself.

Practical Tip:  If you find that you are prone to telling as opposed to asking, try beginning your questions with ‘what’ or ‘how’.  This will often convert your statement to an effective question.

Ex.    Do you think that is a good decision?  (implied, it’s not a good decision.)
How do you think that decision will affect you?

Transitioning from telling to asking is an incredibly rewarding experience and will give opportunity for our children to think through and process decisions on their own.  As we transition from telling to asking please do not be discouraged.   Understand that mistakes are a part of the learning process and transitioning from telling to asking is possible with a little time and intentionality on our part.  The benefits for both us and our children will be worth the time and effort we put into this.

* Excerpt from book  Pro-Active Parent Coaching to be released early 2011

Until next time, continue enjoying the rich relationship that coaching can add to your family relationships.

Your friend and pro-active parent coach.
Greg

*Gregory and Lynn Bland reside in Pleasantville, Nova Scotia, Canada and are actively coaching, writing a parenting book and developing a course to assist parents in learning the heart, skills and disciplines of Pro-ActiveParentCoaching.  Additionally they are providing interim pastoring for the Maritime District of the PAOC.  For more information check out Pro-ActiveParentCoaching or write to greg@pro-activeparentcoaching.com.

Copyright 2010 Gregory Bland | Pro-ActiveParentCoaching | Nova Scotia | Canada | greg@pro-activeparentcoaching.com