The heavy footsteps, sigh, and loud thump as my son sat upon the stairs indicated something was up.  I looked up to see a disappointed look upon my sons face.  He stared into my eyes and said,
“Dad, the girls are being mean to me again!”
“What’s going on?”
“Well, they won’t let me in their room, they keep pushing on the door and holding it shut so I can’t get in.”
“Did they give any explanation to you?”
“Yeah!  No boys allowed.  What should I do now?”
“This is an interesting situation, with several possibilities, what do you think you should do?”
Looking away from me, he sat silent for a few moments thinking.  Placing his elbows on his knees and leaning forward until his chin nestled into his hands, he scrunched his little face up and replied.
“Dad, you have to remember, I’m littler than my sisters, and I don’t know as much as they do, sometimes you just need to tell me what to do!”

In that moment, as I looked into my son’s eyes, my mind was quickly carried back to a conversation I had with another parent not too long ago.

“Our role in parenting will naturally shift according to our children’s need in the moment.    In some cases we will teach, imparting knowledge, at other times we will mentor, allowing them to glean from our experience, and often we will coach, guiding our children to discovery.  The key is discerning what they need in the moment.”

As a man that sometimes has a ‘let’s fix it now’ mentality, I wanted to move quickly to exploring the possibilities of how he might handle this situation with his sisters.  In my desire to help him in this way, I had forgotten to ask one simple question that would  have helped me understand the role he needed me to play at this particular moment.

“What do you need most from me right now?”

Looking up the stairs as he sat dejected, I invited him to come closer and sit upon my lap.  He stood, walked down the remaining stairs, around my desk and crawled up onto my lap.  As he nestled in tightly to my chest, I firmly placed my arms around him and apologized for being ‘insensitive’ and asked, “What do you need most from Daddy right now?”

Quietly he lifted his head and once again looking into my eyes he said softly, “I just want someone to play with, could we play a game of checkers together?”

What a revealing response to that simple question!  He didn’t want to be mentored, taught or coached, rather what he needed the most was simply someone to spend time with.  The truth is we can easily focus upon what we believe is best for our child in the moment and easily miss what they need the most from us.  Instead of pushing my own agenda, tuning into his needs opened the door to a great time of relational connection.

Have there been times in your parenting where asking a simple question like this may have catalyzed a different outcome with your child?  As we conclude, take a moment and think of two variations of the question, “What do you need most from me right now?” that you could ask your child.  In this way you will be prepared to ask what your child needs most from you and make the most of that opportunity yourself.

To get you started I’ll offer one more.

a.  How can I best help you?
b.
c.

Until next time, continue enjoying the rich relationship that coaching can add to your family relationships.

Your friend and pro-active parent coach.
Greg

*Gregory and Lynn Bland reside in Pleasantville, Nova Scotia, Canada and are actively coaching, writing a parenting book and developing a course to assist parents in learning the heart, skills and disciplines of Pro-ActiveParentCoaching.  Additionally they are providing interim pastoring for the Maritime District of the PAOC.  For more information check out Pro-ActiveParentCoaching or write to greg@pro-activeparentcoaching.com.

Copyright 2010 Gregory Bland | Pro-ActiveParentCoaching | Nova Scotia | Canada | greg@pro-activeparentcoaching.com